Soaked in Jesus spit and short one lampstand, I press on. It’s actually nice out, which is pretty ridiculous. Most of the way through May, the weather has continued to taunt me with chilly air and cold winds. It would be so typical if the world ended when it was actually warm. Of course, maybe the heat is caused by the lava and hellfire raining down on Earth. It would make sense.
I mentioned earlier that none of my cats seem perturbed. Scratch that. One – I shall call her SmartCat – does seem to be affected. Her ears are back, her fur is sticking up in patches, and she looks irritated. This is a daily occurrence for SmartCat, who hates the world, but perhaps it is significant. The other two – who I shall christen OldCat and DumbCat for lack of inspiration – are not bothered. However, OldCat is terminally mellow and DumbCat wouldn’t notice the Rapture if a legion of angels hit him in the face.
Breaking News: I was taken away from writing this by a strong smell of burning and dark smoke pouring out of the toaster oven. Preoccupied as I am with the end of the world, I put waxed paper over my food instead of aluminum foil and almost started a fire. An omen? Perhaps.
Moving on. Let’s take a look at the next few parts of Revelation, where things are getting interesting.
4- There is a voice speaking to John like a trumpet. This is better than a voice like, say, an oboe. Or a piccolo. That would just be weird and not very imposing.
There is a throne surrounded by a rainbow that “looks like an emerald”. So it’s a green rainbow? That kind of goes against the entire point of a rainbow being many colors. Unless it’s several shades of green?
Ooh – seven torches. Here we go with the sevens again.
We now are introduced to monsters covered in eyes singing stuff. It’s kind of creepy. With this and the emeralds, I feel like I’ve taken a wrong turn into the Wizard of Oz.
5 – Ack! Seven seals on a scroll. And John begins to ‘weep bitterly because no one was found worthy to open the scroll or to look into it’. That’s nothing to cry about, John. The end of the world and creepy singing animals? That’s what you should be crying about. And now we’ve got a lamb with seven horns and seven eyes, which is not exactly how I imagine a lamb. I wonder why they call it a lamb at all and not ‘creature covered in eyes and horns that looks absolutely nothing like a young sheep’.
6 – Yes! The four horsemen of the apocalypse! Now we’re getting somewhere. And now the four creatures seem to be negotiating their salary, saying “A quart of wheat for a day’s pay, and three quarts of barley for a day’s pay, but do not damage the olive oil and the wine”. I didn’t know you paid the horsemen of the apocalypse. Do they work on a commission basis? Are they available for birthday parties?
Now we have an earthquake and what seems to be a solar eclipse and meteor shower – “the sun became black as sackcloth, the full moon became like blood, and the stars of the sky fell to the earth”. If I was looking for the Rapture, I’d look for a date where a solar eclipse coincided with a meteor shower, not do unintelligible math problems.
Until next time! I shall be looking for the four horsemen in the Classifieds and gathering barley.
By the way, a shout out to any New Yorkers – according to Mayor Bloomberg, if it’s the end of the world, alternate side parking will be suspended.