Pencil to Paper

The Daily Life of a Compulsive Writer

RaptureWatch – 2:00 PM May 21, 2011

Filed under: In the News,Religion — katblogger @ 1:57 PM
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Gasp – the seventh post!

It has been brought to my attention that the Rapture actually could have occurred in New Zealand. After all, if the faithful disappeared and the damned are too busy dodging hellfire to call the newspapers, it’s possible that we just haven’t heard about it. I suppose I won’t know for another four hours. How am I spending what could be the last four hours of normal life? French homework. Sigh.

Since nothing remotely interesting has happened – not even flash fires in my lunch – I’ll jump straight into the Revelation reading. Section 10 – we’re almost halfway through!

10 – We meet an angel described eloquently – “with a rainbow over his head; his face was like the sun, and his legs like pillars of fire”. Is this another green rainbow? How does one stand if their legs are on fire? These angels are a pretty odd bunch, if you ask me. And most of them seem prone to spontaneous combustion.

Now John eats paper, after being told “it will be bitter to your stomach, but sweet as honey in your mouth”. This sounds like drugs to me. But I think he’d started taking something way before section ten.

11 – John has fun measuring. Then he describes another very confusing scene – “there are the two olive trees and the two lampstands that stand before the Lord of the earth. And if anyone wants to harm them, fire pours from their mouth”. Who’s mouth? The tree’s, or the lampstand’s? It’s creepy either way. I wonder if one of the lampstands is the one the angel took from me back in section two. If it spits fire, I want it back.

The earth now gloats over some dead bodies and exchanges presents. It’s Christmas with corpses! But then the corpses come back to life. Now it’s Christmas with zombies. Why have just one kind of apocalypse when you can have them all? Let’s add some nuclear bombs and all the bases will be covered.

12 – Next, we meet a woman “clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet, and on her head was a crown of twelve stars”. Oh my goodness. It’s Lady Gaga. Who else would dress like that? Then a dragon shows up, angels fight him, angels win… very predictable. Then the dragon tries to eat the woman, who is nourished and protected “for a time, and times, and half a time”. Yes, predicting the Rapture should be easy with such precise measurement.

13 – Lucky thirteen! This is the best (read: most confusing) section yet! We now meet a beast with ten horns, seven heads, and names written on its heads. I’m surprised that John, with his cavalier disregard for zoology, didn’t name it a crocodile. So this is the beast that the WBC accuses of being Obama? I missed the six heads, bear feet, and lion’s mouth on him. Silly me.

But look! Another beast arrives, with “two horns like a lamb”. John. Lambs… do… not… have… horns. Except for tiny little nubs. Rams have horns. Obviously Jesus was only a shepherd in a highly metaphorical sense, because this guy has never seen a sheep in his life. Anyway, everyone gets marked by the beast and worships it, and we have a whole society springing up that seems quite fascist. And finally we find out what the problem with 666 is – it’s the mark of the beast. Is that all? And here I thought it was some big deal, and it’s just a footnote in the chapter of crazy. Oh well.

See you next hour. I have no doubt that Revelations is just going to get more and more crazy.


One Response to “RaptureWatch – 2:00 PM”

  1. .This leader according to the aforementioned characteristics prefers secrecy and anonymity..Therefore he will function through subterfuge he will not come out in the open and state the truth to.his citizens…The beast has the paws of a bear..Bear paws are plantigrade they lie flat on the ground like a human foot a bear walks with the entire lower surface of the foot touching the ground..A leopard in contrast walks on its toes. The bear paw implies a man that is down to earth with.his feet on the ground not a leopard which only walks on its toes..We think the beast therefore will be ruling in a democracy or government of the.people not a monarchy or one with an aristocracy.

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