I’ve been thinking – what would I do if all this Rapture theory was actually true? First, I’d be extremely surprised since a) I don’t believe in a god, b) if I believed in a god it wouldn’t be the Christian God, and c) if I did believe in the Christian God, he wouldn’t initiate the Rapture because he doesn’t seem to do much these days and why start now? But if it actually happened…
I would assume, as an atheist, I was a member of the damned. Therefore, God had basically declared war on me, so I could declare war right back. In the face of hail, earthquakes, and fire-spitting lampstands, Satan and his army would look a whole lot friendlier. So I’d probably either settle down for five months, or go out and see if ‘the beast’ was really as bad as he’s made out to be. After all, the enemy of your enemy is your friend, right? And to the damned during the Rapture, God is totally your enemy.
That being said, it’s not going to happen. But let’s enjoy the next two chapters of Revelations. They’re pretty long ones, so I’m not doing three.
18 – Why do the angels talk in verse? It’s just weird. Or maybe that’s just the formatting. Anyway, obviously whoever wrote the Bible really hates Babylon. If a Babylonian had written this, they probably would have had God raining fire onto some other city. Funny how that works.
19 – In this section, all the weirdest stuff makes a reappearance. We have a horseman who’s named simultaneously “Faithful and True” and “The Word of God”. His parents really had it in for him. He’s wearing a robe dipped in blood, which must chafe. Yet again he has a sword coming out of his mouth, which probably would do a lot more damage to him than anyone else. I hope he never sneezes. He also “treads the wine press of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty”. That’s right. Not just fury, but also wrath. And a wine press. Tremble in fear lest you be squeezed into an alcoholic beverage.
God’s a cannibal. Wait – is the definition of cannibal eating human flesh, or eating your same species? At least we can establish that he eats people. The angels tell birds to “gather for the great supper of God, to eat the flesh of kings, the flesh of captains, the flesh of the mighty, the flesh of horses and their riders – flesh of all, both free and slave, both small and great”. And this guy gets worshipped? Revelations at least makes him sound like a horrifying monster. Eating people… eurgh.
Just two more sections to go, and two hours until the Rapture. The world outside my window is warm and sunny. Most of my homework is done. It’s a good day.