Three hours, people. And I’m not even close to being done with my French homework.
It also apparently is May 22nd in some parts of the world. And there are no confirmed reports of Christians flying into the sky (with or sans clothes) or demon armies. If the 1800s saw the Great Disappointment, this is going to be the Greater Disappointment/Cause for Hilarity.
And in the name of hilarity, let’s reopen Revelations.
14 – The lamb has a bunch of followers with his name written on their heads. They worship him. The beast has a bunch of followers with his name written on their heads. They worship him. I’m failing to see the difference. It’s true that history is written by the victors. Maybe there’s an alternative Bible where the lamb is the evil one. I don’t trust a baby sheep with horns. And let’s not even start on the multiple eyes.
The one hundred and forty four thousand saved are apparently virgins who “have not defiled themselves with women”. So apparently there are no women being saved? And why is God punishing those who kept the human race alive? Didn’t he say somewhere else to ‘go forth and multiply’? Was that even in the Bible? Ok, question time over. Let’s move on.
I’m pretty sure Jesus and the angels just took a bunch of people and crushed them in a wine press. What happened to ‘love thy neighbor’? This is genocide!
15 – Oh yes – sevens. Seven plagues and seven golden bowls filled with the wrath of God. The wrath of God appears as a liquid, usually wine. Where does it come from? Does he open his mouth, look wrathful, and wine pours out? My wrath takes the form of peanut butter, personally.
16 – God’s liquid wrath of uncertain origin is now poured on the earth. Lots of awful things happen to the people left on it, “but they cursed the name of God, who had authority over these plagues, and they did not repent and give him glory”. Seriously… why would they? God is now burning them, giving them sores, and poisoning their waters. Who’s going to go, “God, you’re awesome!”
17 – We now meet “the great whore” and read the word “fornication” about ten times. Revelations really likes that word. I wish the book of Revelations didn’t have such a harsh view of women. Men get to be raised up and praised. Women are whores that corrupt people. Wonderful. Sexism is alive and well.
Just four more sections to go, and just three hours until the Rapture hits me. Better go work on that French homework.