One hour. We have one hour until the Rapture hits. At least, everyone in my time zone. Maybe some people reading this are being tortured at this moment. Sorry, folks.
All those who are still waiting, get ready. I am prepared. I’m wearing an asbestos suit with a bucket of water and I’m watching my remaining lampstand with extreme caution. If you have an axe, I recommend taking preliminary action and chopping up any lamps you have in your residence. Dangerous things, they are.
At 6:00 I’ll write one last post, assuming I am not being chased by demonic forces. After that, Rapture Watch is officially over – although I’ll do a recap tomorrow reaffirming that yes, May 21st has come and gone. But for now, let’s read the last two sections of Revelations.
20 – Apparently even after Satan is beaten, he comes back after a thousand years. Just like every supervillain – you can’t keep them down for long.
There are two deaths now, because one just isn’t enough. If you’re judged and found wanting, you get thrown into the lake of fire. This kills you. Did I mention you were already dead? Yes – I’m not sure what happens to you if you’re killed in the afterlife. It seems a bit excessive, if you ask me.
21 – There’s a new heaven, a new earth, and God is marrying a city. Uh huh. This new city is beautiful and perfect and wonderful and everything. It’s made of jewels and emeralds, which are apparently the same as rainbows. Everything is great, and everyone there can just pretend they didn’t murder thousands of people. Clean consciences for all!
22 – “There will be no more night; the need no light of lamp or sun” – why did that angel steal my lamp then?
Apparently when John was told this story – quite a while ago – the angel told him, “Do not seal up the words of the prophecy of this book, for the time is near”. A little off target, guys. Unless near is two thousand years.
So… I’m done with Revelation. I can’t believe that anyone who reads this can take any part of the Bible seriously. It’s like one bad scene ruins a whole movie. It’s just ridiculous. However, if I see any evil lampstands or patchwork beasts running around, I will eat my words. And then put a sword in my mouth, grab a fire extinguisher, and dial up the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It’s been fun, guys. See you in an hour.