7: Time for the flood, everyone. Ok – Noah takes seven pairs of each animal. What about the Sunday school two-by-two thing? Lies, all lies. I also have no idea what the difference between clean and unclean animals is. He washed some of them? Let’s move on.
Water covers the earth, and everything dies. This is kind of douchey of god, considering the animals never did anything wrong. Blanket judgement delivering, apparently, is the way to go.
8: Now we see the whole olive branch story – although how the olive tree survived while being covered with water for ten months remains to be seen. Everyone gets off the ark, and then Noah sacrifices some of the animals he went through so much trouble to save. He must have sacrificed the unicorns, since we don’t have those anymore. God then sniffs the delicious smoke and decides he’s not going to curse the world any more, because it’s just human nature to suck, and besides – they burn things for him.
9: God sets some rules – “Whoever sheds the blood of a human, by a human shall that person’s blood be shed; for in his own image God made humankind”. Apparently god is exempt from this rule, since he just shed a heck of a lot of blood.
He promises never to flood the earth again, and the rainbow is the sign of his promise. Rainbow origin story – check.
Noah then gets drunk and falls asleep naked. Ham notices this, is rather alarmed, and tells his brothers, who cover Noah up. Noah wakes, blesses the other two, and curses Ham’s descendants to be slaves forever. For what? For seeing his father naked? It was Noah’s fault he got drunk and passed out with no clothes. (Which begs the question – why was he drinking wine naked?) This is almost as stupid as Jesus cursing the fig tree because it’s fall. (We’ll get to that later.)
10: Oh fun – more names. Lots and lots of names.
Oh dear. “Cush became the father of Nimrod; he was the first on earth to become a mighty warrior. He was a mighty hunter before the Lord; therefore it is said, “Like Nimrod a mighty hunter before the Lord.”
All tremble in fear – Nimrod is here!
Once you get over the amusing name choice, you’ll notice that the Bible has a tendency to restate things. Over and over and over again.
Ok – nothing else interesting, besides the fact that each of Noah’s sons had like a million kids. Be fruitful and multiply indeed. I wonder how their wives felt about giving birth a thousand times each.