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The Daily Life of a Compulsive Writer

RaptureWatch – Recap May 22, 2011

Filed under: In the News,Religion — katblogger @ 10:20 AM
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Today I’m taking a crack at the newest WordPress feature – Just Write. I have to say, it’s pretty cool. I can get rid of some of those distractions. See, I’m not diagnosed with ADD, but I swear, whenever I try to write, a million things start begging for my attention. This helps. Now if only WordPress could make the tabs function go away, so I don’t keep checking Facebook in the middle of writing a post.

That being said, I should get to the actual point of the post. It is now May 22, 2011. The world is still here. Harold Camping is being mysteriously silent. My lampstand has not attacked. It looks like the ‘rolling Rapture’ never got rolling.

Luckily, I haven’t heard of any mass suicides or murders by frustrated believers. Hopefully this won’t result in another Heaven’s Gate catastrophe.

The RaptureWatch series was a lot of fun to write, and I hope it was a lot of fun to read. It was suggested that I do one for the October end of the world, but since this Rapture didn’t show up, I think that one’s null and void. However, I am planning to stay up until midnight doing an ApocalypseWatch next December. Until then, it’s back to my regular programming. We made it, folks. Another apocalypse to put on our resumes.

The darn things never seem to happen, do they?

 

RaptureWatch – 6:00 PM May 21, 2011

Filed under: In the News,Religion — katblogger @ 6:03 PM
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Four minutes until the Rapture. The sky is blue. There’s a slight breeze. I’m getting hungry. Is that a sign?

Three minutes until the Rapture. Still hungry. Weather appears normal. No sign of heavenly portents.

Two minutes until the Rapture. My lampstand remains inanimate. It has no mouth. Still, I will be careful around it.

One minute until the Rapture. What would you do with sixty seconds to live? (I really hope my watch is lined up with God’s clock.)

Thirty seconds…

Ten…

Five…

One…

6 o’clock.

Nothing has happened. The streets are clear. I see cars moving by that still have people in them. I see no fire, feel no earthquakes, and hear no trumpets. I feel sorry for the people who wasted their money and their time chasing a lie. But trust me, another apocalypse will always come. And we will live through it. We always do.

It’s time to get some SuperGlue and start putting my lampshade back together. Tomorrow I’ll be back for a RaptureWatch recap, to review the reactions of the world as May 21 ends for the entire globe.

 

RaptureWatch – 5:00 PM

Filed under: In the News,Religion — katblogger @ 4:57 PM
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One hour. We have one hour until the Rapture hits. At least, everyone in my time zone. Maybe some people reading this are being tortured at this moment. Sorry, folks.

All those who are still waiting, get ready. I am prepared. I’m wearing an asbestos suit with a bucket of water and I’m watching my remaining lampstand with extreme caution. If you have an axe, I recommend taking preliminary action and chopping up any lamps you have in your residence. Dangerous things, they are.

At 6:00 I’ll write one last post, assuming I am not being chased by demonic forces. After that, Rapture Watch is officially over – although I’ll do a recap tomorrow reaffirming that yes, May 21st has come and gone. But for now, let’s read the last two sections of Revelations.

20 – Apparently even after Satan is beaten, he comes back after a thousand years. Just like every supervillain – you can’t keep them down for long.

There are two deaths now, because one just isn’t enough. If you’re judged and found wanting, you get thrown into the lake of fire. This kills you. Did I mention you were already dead? Yes – I’m not sure what happens to you if you’re killed in the afterlife. It seems a bit excessive, if you ask me.

21 – There’s a new heaven, a new earth, and God is marrying a city. Uh huh. This new city is beautiful and perfect and wonderful and everything. It’s made of jewels and emeralds, which are apparently the same as rainbows. Everything is great, and everyone there can just pretend they didn’t murder thousands of people. Clean consciences for all!

22 – “There will be no more night; the need no light of lamp or sun” – why did that angel steal my lamp then?

Apparently when John was told this story – quite a while ago – the angel told him, “Do not seal up the words of the prophecy of this book, for the time is near”. A little off target, guys. Unless near is two thousand years.

So… I’m done with Revelation. I can’t believe that anyone who reads this can take any part of the Bible seriously. It’s like one bad scene ruins a whole movie. It’s just ridiculous. However, if I see any evil lampstands or patchwork beasts running around, I will eat my words. And then put a sword in my mouth, grab a fire extinguisher, and dial up the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

It’s been fun, guys. See you in an hour.

 

RaptureWatch – 4:00 PM

Filed under: In the News,Religion — katblogger @ 3:57 PM
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I’ve been thinking – what would I do if all this Rapture theory was actually true? First, I’d be extremely surprised since a) I don’t believe in a god, b) if I believed in a god it wouldn’t be the Christian God, and c) if I did believe in the Christian God, he wouldn’t initiate the Rapture because he doesn’t seem to do much these days and why start now? But if it actually happened…

I would assume, as an atheist, I was a member of the damned. Therefore, God had basically declared war on me, so I could declare war right back. In the face of hail, earthquakes, and fire-spitting lampstands, Satan and his army would look a whole lot friendlier. So I’d probably either settle down for five months, or go out and see if ‘the beast’ was really as bad as he’s made out to be. After all, the enemy of your enemy is your friend, right? And to the damned during the Rapture, God is totally your enemy.

That being said, it’s not going to happen. But let’s enjoy the next two chapters of Revelations. They’re pretty long ones, so I’m not doing three.

18 – Why do the angels talk in verse? It’s just weird. Or maybe that’s just the formatting. Anyway, obviously whoever wrote the Bible really hates Babylon. If a Babylonian had written this, they probably would have had God raining fire onto some other city. Funny how that works.

19 – In this section, all the weirdest stuff makes a reappearance. We have a horseman who’s named simultaneously “Faithful and True” and “The Word of God”. His parents really had it in for him. He’s wearing a robe dipped in blood, which must chafe. Yet again he has a sword coming out of his mouth, which probably would do a lot more damage to him than anyone else. I hope he never sneezes. He also “treads the wine press of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty”. That’s right. Not just fury, but also wrath. And a wine press. Tremble in fear lest you be squeezed into an alcoholic beverage.

God’s a cannibal. Wait – is the definition of cannibal eating human flesh, or eating your same species? At least we can establish that he eats people. The angels tell birds to “gather for the great supper of God, to eat the flesh of kings, the flesh of captains, the flesh of the mighty, the flesh of horses and their riders – flesh of all, both free and slave, both small and great”. And this guy gets worshipped? Revelations at least makes him sound like a horrifying monster. Eating people… eurgh.

Just two more sections to go, and two hours until the Rapture. The world outside my window is warm and sunny. Most of my homework is done. It’s a good day.

 

RaptureWatch – 3:00 PM

Filed under: In the News,Religion — katblogger @ 2:56 PM
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Three hours, people. And I’m not even close to being done with my French homework.

It also apparently is May 22nd in some parts of the world. And there are no confirmed reports of Christians flying into the sky (with or sans clothes) or demon armies. If the 1800s saw the Great Disappointment, this is going to be the Greater Disappointment/Cause for Hilarity.

And in the name of hilarity, let’s reopen Revelations.

14 – The lamb has a bunch of followers with his name written on their heads. They worship him. The beast has a bunch of followers with his name written on their heads. They worship him. I’m failing to see the difference. It’s true that history is written by the victors. Maybe there’s an alternative Bible where the lamb is the evil one. I don’t trust a baby sheep with horns. And let’s not even start on the multiple eyes.

The one hundred and forty four thousand saved are apparently virgins who “have not defiled themselves with women”. So apparently there are no women being saved? And why is God punishing those who kept the human race alive? Didn’t he say somewhere else to ‘go forth and multiply’? Was that even in the Bible? Ok, question time over. Let’s move on.

I’m pretty sure Jesus and the angels just took a bunch of people and crushed them in a wine press. What happened to ‘love thy neighbor’? This is genocide!

15 – Oh yes – sevens. Seven plagues and seven golden bowls filled with the wrath of God. The wrath of God appears as a liquid, usually wine. Where does it come from? Does he open his mouth, look wrathful, and wine pours out? My wrath takes the form of peanut butter, personally.

16 – God’s liquid wrath of uncertain origin is now poured on the earth. Lots of awful things happen to the people left on it, “but they cursed the name of God, who had authority over these plagues, and they did not repent and give him glory”. Seriously… why would they? God is now burning them, giving them sores, and poisoning their waters. Who’s going to go, “God, you’re awesome!”

17 – We now meet “the great whore” and read the word “fornication” about ten times. Revelations really likes that word. I wish the book of Revelations didn’t have such a harsh view of women. Men get to be raised up and praised. Women are whores that corrupt people. Wonderful. Sexism is alive and well.

Just four more sections to go, and just three hours until the Rapture hits me. Better go work on that French homework.

 

RaptureWatch – 2:00 PM

Filed under: In the News,Religion — katblogger @ 1:57 PM
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Gasp – the seventh post!

It has been brought to my attention that the Rapture actually could have occurred in New Zealand. After all, if the faithful disappeared and the damned are too busy dodging hellfire to call the newspapers, it’s possible that we just haven’t heard about it. I suppose I won’t know for another four hours. How am I spending what could be the last four hours of normal life? French homework. Sigh.

Since nothing remotely interesting has happened – not even flash fires in my lunch – I’ll jump straight into the Revelation reading. Section 10 – we’re almost halfway through!

10 – We meet an angel described eloquently – “with a rainbow over his head; his face was like the sun, and his legs like pillars of fire”. Is this another green rainbow? How does one stand if their legs are on fire? These angels are a pretty odd bunch, if you ask me. And most of them seem prone to spontaneous combustion.

Now John eats paper, after being told “it will be bitter to your stomach, but sweet as honey in your mouth”. This sounds like drugs to me. But I think he’d started taking something way before section ten.

11 – John has fun measuring. Then he describes another very confusing scene – “there are the two olive trees and the two lampstands that stand before the Lord of the earth. And if anyone wants to harm them, fire pours from their mouth”. Who’s mouth? The tree’s, or the lampstand’s? It’s creepy either way. I wonder if one of the lampstands is the one the angel took from me back in section two. If it spits fire, I want it back.

The earth now gloats over some dead bodies and exchanges presents. It’s Christmas with corpses! But then the corpses come back to life. Now it’s Christmas with zombies. Why have just one kind of apocalypse when you can have them all? Let’s add some nuclear bombs and all the bases will be covered.

12 – Next, we meet a woman “clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet, and on her head was a crown of twelve stars”. Oh my goodness. It’s Lady Gaga. Who else would dress like that? Then a dragon shows up, angels fight him, angels win… very predictable. Then the dragon tries to eat the woman, who is nourished and protected “for a time, and times, and half a time”. Yes, predicting the Rapture should be easy with such precise measurement.

13 – Lucky thirteen! This is the best (read: most confusing) section yet! We now meet a beast with ten horns, seven heads, and names written on its heads. I’m surprised that John, with his cavalier disregard for zoology, didn’t name it a crocodile. So this is the beast that the WBC accuses of being Obama? I missed the six heads, bear feet, and lion’s mouth on him. Silly me.

But look! Another beast arrives, with “two horns like a lamb”. John. Lambs… do… not… have… horns. Except for tiny little nubs. Rams have horns. Obviously Jesus was only a shepherd in a highly metaphorical sense, because this guy has never seen a sheep in his life. Anyway, everyone gets marked by the beast and worships it, and we have a whole society springing up that seems quite fascist. And finally we find out what the problem with 666 is – it’s the mark of the beast. Is that all? And here I thought it was some big deal, and it’s just a footnote in the chapter of crazy. Oh well.

See you next hour. I have no doubt that Revelations is just going to get more and more crazy.

 

RaptureWatch – 1:00 PM

Filed under: In the News,Religion — katblogger @ 12:57 PM
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Four hours until the Rapture hits the coast of the United States. In theory. For those who think they’re the lucky ones, here’s an informational video outlining the do’s and don’ts of being Raptured:

Credit to the maker, somegreybloke.

Let’s get back to reading the book of Revelation, shall we?

7 – John knows another number – four! Which is odd because you’d think he’d break out the sevens in section seven. But no, we have four angels, four corners, and four winds. Now one hundred and forty four thousand people get to have some mark on their forehead marking them as people to not destroy. Lucky them. Everyone else is screwed.

8- Back to sevens. The angels (who now have seven trumpets) throw fire upon the earth, bringing lightning, earthquakes, hail, and more unpleasantness. This doesn’t seem quite fair. What about plants and animals? Earth is quite a nice planet. I don’t know why God is so set on obliterating it. Has PETA read this section?

For some reason just a third of everything is being destroyed, and two thirds are left intact. I have no clue why.

9 – Even better. A swarm of locusts and scorpions are set upon the non believers, and torture them for five months. John shows a real gift for description in this chapter. The tortures inflicted by the scorpions are described as “like the torture of a scorpion when it stings somebody”. No duh.

The locusts are all dressed up like they came from a flea circus. They have crowns, and human faces with hair. Has John ever seen a locust? Again he describes a creature as an animal that it looks absolutely nothing like. Human faces indeed.

Back to a third. The angels get to kill a third of humankind. I’m starting to think God has a really big sadistic streak, and a lust for retribution a mile wide. You don’t believe in me? Well, ha! I smite you!

Avoiding smiting, I will leave for now. See you in an hour, when I think the Rapture will be terrorizing fish in the Atlantic Ocean. If I’ve got my time zones right.